So, normally when I start a blog, I have a title/outline/at least some sort of idea of what I want to accomplish. I just feel so flat this week though, so I thought a little journal blogging might help me out a bit. I’m sorry this isn’t writing related, but maybe it’s something someone might seek comfort in? I’m not sure. I’m tired.
I’m currently in what feels like a thick, disgusting swamp. I’m waist high in goop and I’m fighting to trudge through this muck, but in honesty- it’s weighing me down. My self esteem, my confidence, my motivation- they’re down, slowly being eaten away from the inside. I don’t have the energy to do basic stuff, let alone write, or work on my dreams. Therapy drains me- I don’t enjoy the whole group experience. I feel over empathetic, and I take home with me the stuff that isn’t kept private. A lot of it should be, too. So along with my own running inner monologue of loathing and self doubt, I take on the burden of others.
That’s super selfish to say. A lot of people won’t be so blunt like that. Sometimes I get tempted to call x,y,z out. “Hey, you’re breaking the rules! We’re here to learn to be normal people!” Then I wonder if that’s fair of me. I’m basing my perception of normal on- what? This forced narrative that people need to be a certain way, that my brain being wired the way it is- that’s sickness, an illness. That’s not normal. In the majority sense- fair enough. It still gets me down when I’m berated for needing a little extra time, a little extra rest. It’s like when you could use those extra two hours of sleep in, and you’d just slam your day. Instead you get three broken hours of sleep and are expected to be a fully functioning human. That’s my brain like, most of the time.
Even right now, I can’t really focus on what I’m writing. I worry my entire life is going to be that- an unfocused, garbled mess. That even taking things one step at a time, one day at a time, is hard. I guess that’s why we write though- to get thoughts on the page and give our minds a break.
Back to my WIPs.