This is something I get asked a lot. Like a ridiculous amount. I’ve always answered the same different ways: because I’ve written since I was little, because it makes me happy, because I enjoy it. Lately though (and by lately, I mean the last decade or so) I’ve questioned what has changed.
I used to write a lot, and frequently. I finished my first (if albeit terrible) full manuscript at fourteen. I won quite a few short story competitions and poetry contests. I excelled at English and basked in praise. I even startee my writing degree at sixteen. But I stopped. I dropped out of my degree, I stopped writing for a long time. I couldn’t find any passion or love for it.
I credit a lot of this to my mental illness. A lot of people know I suffer from. BPD (borderline personality disorder), anxiety, depression and PTSD. I’m not gonna lie, these make things really difficult. Even with therapy and help I struggle a lot. But I knew about these things before I stopped writing. I think that I know the reason why- fear.
I fear I’ll be no good as a writer, that I’ll never make it. Or worse- I will make it, but the emptiness I feel inside won’t be filled by that. The longer I put off finishing something, of trying, the more I can ignore those thoughts.
That’s all excuses though, let’s be real. We’re more multi-dimensional than we believe. I probably won’t be satisfied just writing and being noticed for it. I need to accept that, and I think others need to recognise that in themselves too.
I want to be a writer to find out who I am, and share it to the world.